fly high, our little angel pup.

baby blue.
noun. his eyes. his aura. his soul.

i wanted to wait to write this blog. give myself a little time to heal. the thing is. i'm not sure i'll heal completely from this. bear will always be a huge part of our family. a huge part of our hearts.

a family of five, back to four.

on march 9, 2018, we had to put down our baby blue eyes. our baby boy. our brother bear.

i know that many of you didn't know bear, or even like dogs. and simply cannot relate to this. i know that some of you are probably not gonna read this. or even care. but this is my blog. and this is my healing process. a process that i have to be honest with. a process that i welcome you to be on with me. a process that many of you understand.

bear was the best dog ever. we rescued him when we lived in california. my dad always promised rachel, my sister, and me a dog. but he always said "if we're going to get a dog, we're going to get a big dog." boy, was he right.

we went to husky haven on april 12, 2010. we were looking at a different dog, named snow or snowball, i forget the name. snow was cute. snow was also very small. if we could've gotten two dogs, maybe we would've considered snow (to be honest, if it was possible to adopt every dog in the world, i would try). but out of the corner of our eyes, we saw this big dog jumping. like he was trying to get our attention. my sister said, "that's my dog."

we asked the lady if we could see that dog. the jumping dog. and rhonda said, "I don't know...that's a big dog".

but my dad always said, "if we're going to get a dog, we're going to get a big dog."

so she led this beautiful, majestic puppy into the area we were in. he took off running. and he jumped on me. he put his paws on my shoulders and scared the living fuck out of me and my mom. but there was nothing to be afraid of. he was so friendly. he was just giving me a big hug. a bear hug.

he made his rounds and hugged each and every one of us. he picked us. and we brought him to his new home. his forever home.

here's what he looked like the day we adopted him:
as rachel has said, we're not sure who rescued who. but honestly, we know that bear definitely rescued us. he completed our family. he fit in with his sarcastic personality, that was secretly overflowing with love.

he loved his walks. he loved chicken. he loved enrique inglesias' song hero (he would howl to it every time)...

and he loved his family.

every time one of us was crying, he'd give up his comfort of his favorite spots, and come sit by us.

after my accident, he slept by me the whole night and tried to heal my banged-up/bruised legs with his kisses.

and all i know is that it kills me that we couldn't heal him.

at the young age of eight (almost nine), cancer attacked him.

we found out about the cancer two months ago. and within two months, our perfectly healthy and active puppy was basically deteriorating in front of our eyes.

and we couldn't do anything about it. it wasn't curable. it was too aggressive.

the people that rhonda (husky haven) saved bear from, claimed he was "too much dog" and "aggressive" when they abandoned him at the pound.

what they didn't know is that he was only aggressive because they abused him, something that we had to help him to heal from and had to prove our trust with.

and maybe he was a big dog,
but he also had the biggest heart.

i will forever be grateful that bear chose us. that he taught us a different kind of love. a different kind of life: a better life. he really did make our lives so beautiful.

his soul was so beautiful...
is so beautiful.

i know that his soul is still with us.
and will especially be present when the snow falls to the ground again. his favorite weather.

on march 9, 2018, we helped bear to his favorite corner of the backyard.

on march 9, 2018, we gave bear so much love. as much love as we possibly could. but we also knew that bear enjoyed his space. so we gave him some of that too.

on march 9, 2018, it was his last day.

around 3:30 p.m., we helped bear into the car, something he used to easily jump in, then needed all of our help due to his failing legs.

we drove to the vet with tears in our eyes and sadness in our hearts.

on march 9, 2018, we had to say goodbye to our best friend.

we made sure that he wasn't alone. we all sat there, sadness pouring down our faces. petting him and letting him know that the pain was over. that we loved him. that he was so handsome. and that he was a good boy.

it's so hard to talk about.
it's so hard to remember.

i'll forever miss my favorite shade of baby blue, his presence here on earth, and his bear hugs.

we gave him a good life. and he returned that and then some.

to be completely honest, i am not sure how to end this on a happy note. as i sit here letting the sadness exit my eyes.

but i guess i can end it with this fact:
life is full of obstacles.
life is not always fair.
life can really fucking suck.

but life is also so beautiful.
so
love others.
love creatures.
love nature.
love yourself.
love life.

whatever you do,
promise to love.
it truly adds the best colors to life.

trust me.