past my bedtime.
because those words and some touches still haunt me. that i’m still working through it so patience is needed.
bedtime.
noun. the usual time someone goes to bed.
(if that's the case, it's not really past my bedtime, I always go to bed late, but it's past my tired time. i'm tired. I want to go to bed lol).
i’m feeling so much right now as I sit on my floor, with my storm playlist, there’s a storm outside shaking the sky right now as I type.
I had to start writing and kinda motivate myself to start sharing again.
I promised y’all I was back.
I asked if you were still there, still listening, still caring.
maybe you aren’t, and maybe you don’t.
and that’s okay.
it might take me forever to build back up psithurism, but I know it’s something I don’t want to say goodbye to again.
i’ve been feeling a lot.
and although this blog makes it seem like I feel a lot as a default, that assumption is not fully accurate.
I’m usually at a pretty content, peaceful level.
or a constant stress level due to school. but it’s never really deep emotions anymore.
but when I feel deeply, I feel the depth of the ocean.
and right now I feel deep.
hence, why i’m writing.
I only blog when i’m feeling deep, because I know that those are the rawest, the most unfiltered emotions. the best ones to create off of.
i’m feeling a lot.
this semester wrecked me.
i’ve been struggling with little health issues that have been overstaying their welcome (that welcome never existed).
i’ve been feeling a lot of frustration. why won’t my body heal the way I want it to? why is it being so fucking annoying?
maybe because i’ve been at a consistent stress level since august.
and before that, the past 3 years. lol.
this is my body’s cry for help.
but my soul is still staying strong.
work out, breathe, do yoga, meditate, love dammit.
love.
what was the final stressor that sparked this weird domino effect of annoying health issues?
I opened myself up to love again. it was beautiful. it was deep. it was real.
(p.s. love is not a stressor. love is amazing. openness to love is amazing. do not steal that joy from your life. keep reading.)
I wouldn’t say I was in love with him.
it didn’t get that far.
but I was open to that.
and that hasn’t entirely been the story for awhile now.
i’ve been guarded. I can admit that.
but with him, my walls fell. he made me feel so free.
so young. so open.
open to love. open to adventure.
open to affection.
it hasn’t been like that for a long time.
but he helped me work through some demons.
he was there.
until he wasn’t.
it was a weird rollercoaster ride with him.
not the type of love you want long term.
but the one that you kinda wish you could have longterm when it was on its high.
he wasn’t consistent.
but the excitement he made me feel was.
i’m not going to give too many details about him because I want to protect both myself and him from these clumsy words.
it’s been hard to talk about.
because something I was so hopeful for hurt me.
to be honest, I haven’t really cried about it until writing this.
I shed a few tears the next night as I went home and watched the bachelor with my loving, amazing parents.
if you didn’t watch, or if you did here’s a recap, Caelynn talked about how sexual harassment, in her case-- a lot more serious than mine, follows you everywhere and affects more than just the person whom it occurred to.
she talked about how it was an issue that she had to bring up in every relationship because it affects intimacy.
and I broke down.
because it’s true.
before I get too close to guys, maybe too soon but it’s better to know sooner than later, I open up about my past with sexual harrassment and how I still struggle with intimacy because those words and some touches still haunt me. that i’m still working through it so patience is needed.
a lot of guys get weirded out.
but there’s a few who are kindhearted about it and patient and sweet. until they’re not.
this guy wasn’t like that.
he was so kind.
he let me talk about it.
he asked questions because he wanted to make sure to never do anything that triggered me.
he cared.
he wanted me to feel safe.
he comforted me as I cried sharing those memories.
he was amazing.
and not in the obvious way.
I think he’s incredibly misunderstood. or at least I thought.
I saw a piece of his soul that i’m not too sure a lot of people have seen and I am grateful that he shared that with me.
because I was honestly growing unsure that I could feel deeply about someone again.
he professed his feelings for me around christmas.
and told me he was done with the rollercoaster ride we kept putting our feelings through.
that he was all in and wanted everything with me.
I was cautious, per usual.
we took it day-by-day.
he was patient.
he knew I needed that time, especially because of how the last down of the rollercoaster skidded on the tracks with hurtful words, from both of our parts.
let me just interrupt to say he was gorgeous.
maybe is still, but eh, i’ll get to that eventually.
things were great.
he supported my art and me wholeheartedly.
he got me.
we were planning flights and how this would work for the next year(ish) that we would spend long distance.
about a month after we almost impulsively bought plane tickets,
about a month after his drunken words accidentally, most likely lightheartedly, stumbled out “when we are married”...
he had way too many drinks and triggered my sexual harassment trauma.
my soul trembled.
my heart joined in tandem.
and now my lip is too.
thankfully I gathered some strength i had laying around
and ended it.
his drunk words disrespected the very thing we talked about.
my heart broke.
but I didn’t feel sadness.
i felt anger.
angry that he did that to me.
angry that his drunk self could do that.
angry that he stole the “sad stage” away from me.
I still haven’t felt sadness.
because I not only lost him that night,
but I lost all respect and attraction I had towards him.
I lost the freedom he made me feel, because those words triggered me right back into that cage without trust of intimacy. without the want of it.
without him.
but I quickly pulled myself together.
I got up the next day.
I deleted our thread.
all that stupid tech-age stuff that somehow helps solidify things.
but most importantly,
I got up the next day.
and the day after that.
and I might have lost that excitement I felt towards him.
but I never ever lost the excitement and the love and respect I have for myself. for my soul. for my heart. for my future. for me.
and that alone unlocked that fucking stupid cage.
the one I kept a part of me in for years.
I choose me.
I choose my soul.
I choose my heart.
and I choose my entire being’s freedom.
I can honestly say that I am over him as much as one can be over someone who they once really cared for.
I wasn’t in love.
but I did love.
and I know I will love again.
hopefully longer. hopefully better.
and even though that love for him is gone, and even though I did not and will never appreciate anyone who makes me feel that way, the way that my triggers bring unbalance to my soul.
even considering all that.
thank you, taurus boy.
thank you for bringing back that youth into my life.
you truly sucked for hurting me.
but all things considered, thank you for the reminder that my youth is still alive.
DISCLAIMER: taurus boy is not the ONLY or MAIN reason why i’ve been feeling a lot. don't get it twisted. I just had to catch y'all up.
__________________________________________________
i’m feeling a lot because I graduate soon and i’ve been reminiscing a lot.
i’m feeling a lot because my health is still trying to get back.
i’m feeling a lot because this is my last week of college.
i’m feeling a lot because I went to my last college concert with my bff this past week.
i’m feeling a lot because I am growing every day and am working on finding my balance.
i’m feeling a lot because because:
my parents are amazing.
the family member who has been away is gaining strength slowly. and I love that she is doing better.
my friends support my business like its their own.
my two lady bosses, but most importantly friends, are so supportive and are shaping my portfolio, and are loving and kind and understanding and the best people I could ever get paid by.
my sister is engaged to an amazing guy and we are all so excited to welcome him into the family. and most importantly, she herself is happy.
I am applying for grad school.
and I have been healing my soul and in turn my OCD, and vice versa, lately due to an amazing book lent to me by kelsey who has been so supportive and gentle about my OCD, and my amazing support circle who have been gentle and kind and motivating.
there are a lot of reasons why I am feeling such incredible gratitude, even though my eyes are tired and mind is checked out of an education system that while shaping us is hurting us with stress and weird expectations that a grade is more important than your mental health.
your grade is important, yes.
but so are you.
and if you’re out of college:
your job is important, yes.
but so are you.
my gratitude to those who finished this is infinite.
love yourselves, and watch your soul blossom.
join the movement, darling, because it is not over.
xx. purely drea.
